Hello, Blog. Do you remember me?

Now, now, Blog. Don't be scared. It's been a long time. I know I've neglected you. But like all crackwhore mothers, they eventually right their wrongs and come back to their crackbabies. We've become estranged, yes, I know. But I'm sure we can reconcile our differences.

Anyway I think it's high time to get crackin' and write some motherfucking entries!

I Don't Believe in You, Sissy Mexican

Oh Kylie, your fabulousness has spawned a flock of gay men to imitate you. I don't care what the adage might be, but imitation need not always be a form of flattery. Take for instance the following 'remake' of Kylie's 'I Believe In You' video. It's four minutes of ultimate fagness. It's an absolute horrorshow: shaved pits, shirtless, bad lip-synching, tight jeans, plucked brows, sequinned wristbands, pinky-raising, barefooted fagness horror. And oh my god, was that a purple shawl wrapped around his waist?!

Side note, Brad, we need to brush up on our Kylie arm movements. Apparently, the 'jam spreading' bit just isn't good enough.



Of course, there are the fakers who like to take a more subtle DIY/IKEA and economical approach. The video for the 1989 hit "Hand On Your Heart" remade with a chunky duvet cover and a shitty gold bangle. But this boy sure nailed the 80s music video moves like the 'side clap' and 'the jog'.

Unleashing the Kitsch

How disappointed am I to see Brad hasn't yet shared on his blog his refound love of the shamelessly camptastic but now defunct Britpop group that was Steps? Come on, Bradley, with the world living on the edge with coups, famines, and threats of nuclear holocaust, you need to open a Costco-sized can of kitsch! Let me start with the favourite A Deeper Shade of Blue.

What's not to love about the video? It's full of S&M fun. I mean, the tightness of the outfits is pure erotica, and I'm sure Claire had a kinky spray-painted whip next to her in a few shots. The latex suits worn by these kids probably gave some pervy Japanese businessmen ultimate orgasms.

The extenstive use of PVC and patent leather, the stiff choreography, the unapologetic superhero references may seem trite nowadays, but it was only a few years ago when this whole package was cutting edge!

The Essential Five

Yeah it's illegal, and I'm not going to post some innocuous disclaimer... I just want to share music that's resonating in my head for the week so far.

1. Another Sunny Day - Belle & Sebastian
2. Long Distance Call - Phoenix
3. Can The Can - Suzi Quatro
4. Sunny Road - Emilíana Torrini
5. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic

Download

Happy listening!

Things To Do. A project in progress.

Currently on the cusp of recovery from a nasty bout of stomach flu or whatever the virus du jour is... First a dry cough... then got extra phlegmy...then got sick to the stomach... then vomited throughout the night accompanied by a mild fever. I remained stuck in bed for a few days. Despite being short of convulsing or anything ridiculously Theatre major, I did have an hour of trembling in bed thinking it was my final hour. I blame my innate pessimism, but also all the blood rushing to my head from the fever and the hallucinogenic compounds from my cough syrup. I felt my limbs were going numb and I started to think of things I wish I could have done/had/eaten before I became another figure under "Bird Flu Deaths - 2006." Gosh, there's so much to be accomplished so I've decided to start a list, and then add some more stuff as the days go by.

1. Be someone relevant for my irrelevance.
2. Get a pack of Swedish meatballs from Ikea.
3. Sleep my way across Europe, and I don't mean at hostels.
4. Learn Arabic.
5. Adopt an international accent a la Christiane Amanpour.
6. Adopt a faux-aristo accent a la Adrienne Clarkson.
7. Meet Kylie Minogue, and then babble like an ass.
8. Embark on a culinary tour of South East Asia.
9. Have Miuccia Prada have me on her speed dial.
10. Have Miuccia Prada provide my wardrobe from now to eternity.
11. Learn Icelandic.
12. Buy a cabin in Norway.
13. Fill me up on some Cheezies.
14. Find a damn profession, and kick ass in it.
15. Design my house, inspired by Zen Japanese meets industrial German. Front lawn adorned with a few stones and a giant leaf.
16. Read the Bible, and understanding it.
17. Drive. Properly.
18. Grab Karl Lagerfeld's fan and smack him in the balls.
19. Learn to play a digeridoo with an Aborigine.
20. Get a tattoo on my ass.
21. Exchange sweet nothings with Stephen Colbert. (Oh Daddy!)
22. Learn to play the violin.
23. Fly first class to Paris, whilst deriding fellow passanger Brigitte Bardot for being such an unendurable racist bitch.
24. Befriend Joan Collins. (You can keep Jackie, Brad.)
25. Do a photoshoot for Vogue. Seeing lines of cocaine. Crossdressed male hustlers with emaciated frames in Chanel and Louboutin dangling over the railing of Ritz. Hookers in Dior Homme, muzzled by a ball gag along the Seine. Rag doll model in Dior gown dangling over a Metro station tunnel.

Jeff Probst, Obtuse Fuckturd

Tell me that the host of the soon-to-be-racially-segregated Survivor wasn't serious when he said this in a Washignton Post interview. Read here.

Asians, he explained, include Chinese and Japanese and Koreans and "they don't necessarily get along," adding, "This is stuff maybe I should know."

Soundtrack to My Life

Steph sent me a survey that asks what songs would be included if my life were to be transformed into a motion picture. It's really hard to come up with that *one* song for the categories bccause as you get older your taste develops beyond the typical sticky bubblegum Top40 crap.

Edit: Turns out I got a song in the wrong category. And hell, I felt like adding a couple more on the list for fun. And as requested by J, my love, I have posted links!

Part 1
Part 2

1.The opening title

Don't Rain on My Parade - Bobby Darin

2. The scene where you’re waking up to your alarm

Woo Hoo - The 5.6.7.8.'s
William Tell Overture (from A Clockwork Orange) - Wendy Carlos (also known as my crack addict theme)
Cvalda - Björk

3. The scene when you’re having a steamy shower

The Hush - Texas

4. The scene when you’re walking down a busy street

Chelsea Morning - Joni Mitchell
Wicked Witch of the West Theme - Wizard of Oz

5. The scene where you’re sitting in a back of a car staring at the street lights

The Circle Game - Joni Mitchell

6. The scene where you stare out of your office window miserable

Roads - Portishead

7. The scene when you feel unsure about your life

Changes - David Bowie

8. The scene when you feel obsessed with someone

Harvester of Hearts - Rufus Wainwright

Heartstopper - Emilíana Torrini

9. The sex scene

Mad About You - Hooverphonic

10. The scene when you’re in your room and feeling awkward to what had happened

Wrong Impression - Natalie Imbruglia

11. The scene when you’re walking down the street by yourself (ode to a solitude standing)

Teardrop - Massive Attack

12. Tragic scene where a life altering event occurs

Wither I Must Wander - Martha Wainwright
Hope There's Someone - Antony and the Johnsons

13. Scene where you feel like you have nothing to live for.

The Ballad of Lucy Jordan - Marianne Faithfull
The Boy Done Wrong Again - Belle & Sebastian

14. The scene when you’re staring out of the window in your room at night

Easy Way To Cry - David Gray

River - Joni Mitchell

16. The scene when you found out that the world is on war (indeed, as always)

Shout - Tears For Fears (Hey, it's a wartime favourite)

17. The scene after you got into a fight with your significant other

Break of Day - Tina Dico

18. Scene where you feel alone and no one understands you

Nobody - Nina Simone

19. The scene when you’re speeding in your favorite car (or it happened to be a car chase)

Decaptacon - Le Tigre

20. The scene where you have to say goodbye to someone you love

If Tomorrow Never Comes - Ronan Keating

Comment te dire adieu - Françoise Hardy

21. Scene where things in your life just fall into place for the first time

Stay Loose - Jimmy Smith
Libera uscita - Ligabue

22. The ending scene/credit title

Prince Charming - Adam and the Ants
Somebody's Watching Me - Rockwell feat. Michael Jackson
Young Hearts Run Free - Candi Staton

Ingmar Bergman

I remember wanting to watch Ingmar Bergman (Wiki entry here) films after I saw this parody on SCTV when I was about 10 or 11. I remember reading about this weird Swedish director who shot weird films at weird angles, but didn't really knew what the themes really meant. Since then, I have come to appreciate his art (obscure, yes) and the cinematography is simply ingenious. Oh and how fabulous is Liv Ullman? *snap*



French and Saunders also did a parody (in English).

Friday Funnies

A few more offerings from Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders.

Jodie and Jordan teach you how to peel a potato.



A great ABBA parody from French & Saunders

Job Hunt '06 Checklist

1. CV - check, but in process of last minute tweaking.

2. Suit - check, but could have waited to buy a Hugo Boss suit on sale for a $100 less.

3. Shoes - check, but should I be wearing my fancy ankle boots when it's 34 degrees outside?

4. Classified Post - check, but underqualified for most jobs, anyway.

5. Interview - check. One on Wednesday.

From what I've learned via the power of Google, this company is small, but may have its perks and a network of connections. Wish me luck. Oh and I forgot....

6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome - check check...and che-